In an unprecedented demonstration of executive-branch accountability and regret, Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced their resignation this morning, citing "lamentable administrative failures" leading up to what analysts concur was a low-level attack by al-Qaeda in a Takoma Park office building on May 10.
   The less-than-crippling but certainly mildly annoying strike occurred in the office microwave shared by the Center for Voting and Democracy and the Washington Storytellers theater, housed in Suite 610 of the Takoma Business Center.
   "This was no accident.  The freakin' cup didn't even melt.  It just... exploded," said CVD program associate Stephanie Collier.  
   Chris Martin, a subordinate CVD employee, tried to console her, while dabbing at his own eyes with a tissue, to wipe away the coffee.
   "[The perpetrators]... they don't value our way of life here in America.  They knew we were vulnerable.  They knew Stephanie and Danielle [Goodreau] get coffee from 7-11 most mornings.  And they made that coffee explode in our microwave."
   Added Collier: "Goddamn 7-11 workers."
   The damage extended to the countertop on which the microwave sits, and "ground zero" was further disturbed when Martin made a clumsy attempt to remove the microwave's revolving glass plate, spilling more of the coffee.
   "Put this on the 'virtuous list', Rob," Martin muttered beneath his breath as he pulled his coffee-soaked shirt away from his skin.  
   Ridge and Rumsfeld will hold a joint press conference at noon to announce their resignation and denounce the coffee bombers.  
   "This was an act of cowardice and, well, surprising sneakiness.  But we can't allow the actions of a few to taint further missions to 7-11 for coffee, and, for Danielle [Goodreau], a husband."